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Secret feelings of an escort

Author's Note - The following article I write, only as my opinion and my experiences, not to say that every other SP feels in any way, shape or form, the same way as I do. I am not meaning to shove my values or opinions down anyone's throat.


I have worked for almost a decade at different periods in my life. I have worked in agencies, on the street and independently. I have been on opposites sides of the fence. What I mean by that is, there was a time when I was very cold and uncaring towards my clients and now I am the opposite. This article is about my personal feelings towards the business, the emotional and mental affect of the business on myself as a SP and the thoughts that I harbored in my heart. I believe that these things affected my services to such a great deal that it would be beneficial to share them.

When a girl works on the street, at least during the time that I was working outside, there are certain rules that you follow. Respect is everything and your survival depended upon it. A girl who allowed a man to dine at the Y was considered a 'nasty ho'. As you know, clients will go from girl to girl over time. If any girl did allow the things that were considered nasty, the other girls were sure to find out about it. How was it dealt with once the other girls knew? The 'nasty ho' was kicked off the stroll, beaten, and her money was taken from her. Needless to say, we were careful about what we did.

As time went on, I became emotionless. Between worrying about bad dates, coming out of the date alive, the cops, the girls and the pimps, life on the street was living on the edge. But this is not why I was cold. I was cold for many factors, one of them being because I ended up in the business for a lot longer than I had initially planned. Another of them was that I was involved with someone who had no problem spending all of the money that I had made. I had nothing to show for all the money I had made. In turn, I began to resent my clients. The more clients that I would see, the more lonely I became. The person who claimed to love me had no problem with my work as long as the money was coming in. Young and stupid, yes. At the end of the evening, when my lover attempted to make love to me, I was dry. I felt like a piece of meat. You take a shower, wash your skin till you bleed and let the tears wash away with your pride. You sleep by day, pound the pavement by night. When you go out into public, when people look at you, you wonder, 'do they know what I am'?

You go home in the early mornings when others are waking and leading a normal life. You are sore, questioning your self worth, trying only to think of sleep. You walk in the door to your beautiful home, take off your clothes and sit naked on the bed counting your earnings for the evening. As the twenties and hundred dollar bills pass through your fingers, you think of what you did for each hundred. You wash, then sleep. Tomorrow comes and you begin a new night.

You stand on the corner waiting, half naked. It is cold out, but you don't feel it because you keep your feet moving from side to side. A car pulls up in front of you. You look inside and think to yourself, 'is he a cop' and 'is this guy going to hurt me'? You get in the car to drive around the block while you talk of prices. On one hand, the guy wants to know that he is going to get a good service for what he is spending, but on the other hand he discusses your services as though he is buying a piece of furniture. You agree on a price, go the hotel room. Once inside, finances are dealt with. As you are removing your clothing, the guy says, 'I had better get my moneys worth' or 'I want this, this, and that' like he has now bought ownership over you. This is what goes through my mind, even though logically, he has every right to expect these things for what he is paying.

When I worked outside, I would not allow many things and I had many rules. No kissing, no petting, and no touching the condom once it is on. These are only a few of the rules. In fact, I didn't even take off all of my clothes. I always made sure that some of my clothing was on my body and the rest of it was very close to me in order to run if the date turned bad. During the sexual act, I listened to the guy telling me 'you are so beautiful' or 'damn you are tight' for example. His comments were on my services. He would drive me back down town and again, I stand and wait. When your regular comes to pick you up he tells you, 'I missed you and I had wet dreams about you last night so I had to come and see you'. You think in your mind, 'good for you'. You feel like you are on an assembly line. All they want is to fuck you. You are nothing to them but a piece of meat. They don't give a shit about you, don't fool yourself. He didn't miss you, he missed your body!

How did I get this way? Time. Bad dates. The way that I was treated. Fear. Many factors. The most prominent factor was feeling like an object. Some of it is caused from personal relationships while working. Once every three months, I would break down. I would cry for a few hours until I couldn't open my eyes anymore. Then I would be fine for a while again. For over a year after I quit, when I would pass a man in a shopping mall and he would smile at me only out of politeness, my stomach would turn. The smile meant, he wants to have sex with me. That's it, that's all. I hated everyone. I hated the world and I blamed everyone for how I felt.

It was a few years later that I found that my worst enemy was myself. Unfortunately, most women are brought up to believe that if you like sex, you are a slut. This is a psychological thing that takes time to get over. On the street or in an agency, anywhere there is other girls in fact, they would never admit to having a nice time with a client because you worry too much about the judgment of your peers. You worry too much about what you have been taught over the years. Is it bad for me to enjoy my work or to enjoy the touch of a stranger? Does that make me a bad person?

I grew up. I left my long relationship and found out that the relationship did more damage to me that the job itself. I found out who I am all over again. What I like and dislike. How I like to be touched and how it is okay that it feels nice. I didn't care anymore what anyone else thought, as long as I felt okay with it. After eight years, I returned to the business once again. I was nervous, yes. Being single made it a lot more acceptable. The affection was nice. I was now treated as I had treated the person that I was with at that time. I came back into the business working for an agency. I found that they take such a high percentage that you feel like you have a pimp, only in a nice suit hiding behind a business license. Some of the calls that I went on, the agency ended up with more money than I did and I did the work! It made me angry. I felt the anger coming on once again and the coldness was beginning to appear. I noticed it on the last call that I did for the agency. The guy had not even opened the door yet and I hated him already. He was a nice guy, played for the NHL. He was in town for a game. I was in his room for the agency, not for myself. In between taking a chunk of the money I was making, the agency also made it a habit to try to accuse girls of not paying their fee's. They did the same to me. I had enough. I never worked another day for them. I left a credit behind that they owed me of almost $200. I didn't want it or any part of them anymore. I went independent.

So as you can see, the affects on a SP are many. I don't feel the same way anymore. Now I enjoy the company of my clients even though by my own choice, I don't see many. I don't feel the coldness or anger anymore. Of course, I am in an entirely different scenario, I am independent and in doors now. A lot less stress to deal with.

The fact of the loneliness is still there. Clients come for an hour, you feel comfortable, they leave, you are once again alone. You go to sleep alone, wake up alone. Ever heard the saying, 'colder than a whore's heart'? That is the meaning behind it all. Why do I continue escorting? Well, because I am single, very sexual and I enjoy the company. How does money play into it? It is my play money. I work a few other jobs, I don't live off of escorting nor am I dependent on it. I also discovered that when I had on going goals in other area's in my life, it created a feeling of success within myself, which dilutes the analyzation of my own actions. In the past, I would see clients who would ask me to do things I am entirely uncomfortable with such as major fetishes, etc. Now, I only do what I am comfortable with. I am very honest and straight forward about this and this may be the sole reason why I have regulars. Either way, make no mistake about it; being an SP takes psychological endurance more than physical strength.

Article written by Kayla


Submit articles to: [email protected]

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